Fallen
by MFNOmega
Summary: An Albumfic: Eleven chapters corresponding to the eleven tracks on Evanescence's album Fallen.
1. Going Under

Chapter One: Going Under

          Shinji watched the waves crash upon the rocks and drift back out to sea.  They always went in the same pattern, always predictable.  Shinji liked that fact.  It was peaceful there, with the soothing sound of the water frothing gently at the foot of the beach's cove of black rock.

          He lay his head back and saw the clouds waft lazily about.  The only person he had to worry about meeting out here was himself, and the introduction couldn't be that difficult.  After all, they have so much in common.  Shinji's thoughts were interrupted by an unusually loud flow of liquid.  Returning to his sitting position, he saw it.  A massive wall of water surged directly toward him, as if seeking out a victim.  It found one.

In between Shinji's screams and gulps of air, he managed to do little except sink.  It was then that he remembered: he couldn't swim.  A downward swell of the current sucked him under and past an outcropping of sharp submerged rock.  His flailing arms hit it and were slashed; from his elbows to his fingers lay a mess of crimson ribbons.

          _Now I will tell you what I've done for you_

_Fifty thousand tears I've cried_

_          Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you_

_And you still won't hear me_

_          Going under..._

          Silent chaos was his world.  Uprooted plants, small fish, chunks of rock, and his own fresh blood swirled around him.  Shinji couldn't hear, couldn't see, couldn't breathe.  Losing blood quickly, his consciousness followed into a dull state of numbing oblivion.

_Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies_

_          So I don't know what's real and what's not_

_          Always confusing the thoughts in my head_

_          So I can't trust myself anymore_

          Though it was probably just a few minutes, the next gap between periods of unconsciousness seemed to span decades.  The raging current continued to whirl Shinji about and hold him underwater.  At last, it ceased, and Shinji floated to the surface.  Spitting out a mouthful of water and gulping in as much air as his lungs could hold, he tried to stay afloat.  For a few short seconds, he was successful, but then another pounding wave thrust him under.  Even in his blurry mental state, Shinji knew he couldn't keep this up for much longer.

_          I...I'm dying again_

_          I'm going under, drowning in you_

_          I'm falling forever, I've got to break through_

_          I'm going under_

          Propelled by the wave, Shinji sank lower and lower.  Bits of debris hit his face and bounced off, clouding the already murky red water.  With what little vision he had left Shinji saw himself falling past vertical spires of coral and swarms of confused fish.  He slammed into a plain of smooth rock.  Every bone felt as if it were broken, every muscle as if on fire.

_Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself_

_          Maybe I'll wake up for once_

_          Not tormented daily, defeated by you_

_          Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom..._

          Suddenly, a familiar presence.  The surface broke, and from so far above him dove another.  A girl; the rays of sun fighting their way through the watery fray shimmered around her silhouette.  As she came closer, more of her delicate features unveiled themselves.  Her angelic visage was at once calm and determined to reach her destination, which, it appeared, was Shinji.  That beautiful face was the last thing he saw before blacking out.  Even without his sight, Shinji felt an arm encircling his chest and dragging him up to the surface.  As he burst through into the air, he tried to breathe it in but found that he could not.  His lungs felt heavy, full, but not of oxygen.  Terror coursed through his mind.  He couldn't breathe.

          The sand hit his back, or perhaps the other way around, Shinji couldn't tell.  He sunk in a bit and found it oddly comfortable.  _I can rest_, he thought.  _Rest..._

          Loud panicked yelling roused him from his impromptu slumber.  _The girl...she's yelling at me.  Why?  I just want to rest.  Let me rest..._  He began to slip away.

_          So go on and scream, scream at me, I'm so far away_

_          I won't be broken again_

_          I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under_

          And then, a new warmth.  It spread through him from the lips downward.  He felt his lungs being emptied of water and left with air in its place.  The pressure on his mouth left for a moment and then returned, continuing to bring him back to life.

          He coughed, and she pulled away.  Once more; muddy water spewed from Shinji's throat and, with a constricted tone emanating from within, he began to breathe on his own again.  Laboriously lifting his eyelids he gazed up into the face of his savior.  _Truly an angel_, he thought to himself.

          The red eyes gazed back.  Her face, that perfect vision of heaven, lowered down to his and met his lips with her own.  Shinji closed his eyes again and drank in the feeling of finally having that which he had for so long desired: to be with her, if only for a fleeting moment.

_          I'm going under, drowning in you_

_          I'm falling forever, I've got to break through_

_          I'm going under_

          Shinji opened his eyes.  The sun was harsh to him, for it was only now morning and those eyes had yet to experience the brightness now invading his senses.  He reluctantly rose from his bed and began to dress for today's synchronization test.


	2. Bring Me To Life

Chapter Two: Bring Me To Life

The First Child was waiting.  Standing there, in the corner of the control deck over Unit One's cage and clad already in her immaculate white plug suit, she watched and waited.  Most of her life was spent doing those two things, really, so what was another few minutes?

A rare sigh escaped from her gentle lips and dissipated into the cold air.  The casual observer might have let that pass for a mere sigh of boredom, but Rei knew better.  _The pilot, Ikari…_she thought.  _Am I waiting for him?  Perhaps.  Every time I see him, I feel…I don't know what I feel.  It is almost as if he can understand my thoughts without them being made verbal.  No one else has ever been able to give me that.  But I feel something, and that in itself is enough reason to await his return._

She continued to stand there, staring out into the emptiness of the cage.

How can you see into my eyes 

_Like open doors?_

_Leading you down into my core_

_Where I've become so numb_

          Another sigh.  Two in one day was probably a new record for her.  Rei leaned back against the wall and relapsed into thought.  _I am never like this alone, unless alone with my thoughts of him… I am only myself, one entity, yet I feel something else inside.  Ikari's presence.  He grows closer._  Her pulse quickened just a bit, as did the searching of her eyes; sweeping across the bridge inside the cage, they hoped for their owner to find the one she sought.

_Without a soul_

_My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold_

_Until you find it there_

_And bring it back home_

          Footsteps.  The roving eyes darted over to one side of the room and met with the Third.  He walked over the dimly lit bridge, never noticing the silent gaze of his fellow pilot from above.

_(Wake me up) Wake me up inside_

_(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside_

_(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark_

          Activated by his movements, the bank of lights running along the length of the ceiling flashed on and flooded the entire cage in bright artificial light.  Both pilots, their eyes adjusting, slowly lowered their arms from their visually protective locations.  Rei took longer; the albinism's effect on her eyes had not been kind to prospects of outdoor entertainment or any that involved similarly blinding light.  _Still,_ she thought, _I could try to meet him outside of NERV sometime.  It would not come easily, but surely no temporary pain could compare to the searing agony of being forever alone._

_(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run_

_(I can't wake up) Before I come undone_

_(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become_

          Forsaking her lofty post in the control room, Rei headed for the elevator to the bridge.  The doors closed, she pressed the button to go down, it started to move, she started to think.  _What can I say to let him know how I feel?  My usual directness seems to frighten him.  Perhaps a more subtle approach would be in order.  Or maybe…_

The doors opened, and there stood a surprised Shinji.  "Oh.  Hello, Ayanami."

          _Remember, be subtle.  Not too overbearing.  Choose your words carefully.  _"Hello."

          Rei mentally kicked herself, but Shinji didn't seem to notice anything amiss.  "Have you seen Ritsuko?  You know we have that synch test today."

          "Yes, we do.  And no, I have not seen her lately.  What about Captain Katsuragi?"

          "She's looking for her, I think," replied Shinji.  "Maybe we should go look too?"  He said it almost as a question; it wasn't his way to be demanding, especially of someone as...well, especially of Rei.  Still, he did want to spend some time with Ayanami, and without the means to ask her outright this provided a welcome excuse.

          Her response was nonverbal, as were most things about her.  Strolling past him and giving a little half-turn was her 'yes.'  With a barely visible smile on his face, Shinji matched her steady walk.

          A few minutes later, still walking through the deserted hallways, the two's hands brushed against each other.  Shinji instinctively jumped back to form the feet-wide gap necessary to maintain his nerve, but Rei was unaffected.  On the surface it would seem that way, but only she could tell what that brief touch meant to her.

_Now that I know what I'm without_

_You can't just leave me_

_Breathe into me and make me real_

_Bring me to life_

          They came to a split in the tunnel-like paths.  To the left was the office area; to the right, the tech labs.  Shinji turned to Rei.  "Which way?"

          She considered for a minute.  Ritsuko would undoubtedly be in her office at this time in the morning, so...  "Right."

          Giving a small nod of assent, Shinji entered the darker hallway with Rei by his side.

_(Wake me up) Wake me up inside_

_(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside_

_(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark_

          _Why am I doing this?_  thought Rei.  _What can I hope to accomplish?  There is always the possibility that we can talk some more.  That is reason enough to try.  But what can I talk about with him?  I do not know much of the art of conversation.  What if he speaks first?  I could..._

"Hey, um...Rei?"

          She snapped out of her reverie and glanced over at Shinji.  "Yes?"

          "I don't think anyone's down this way.  Are you sure this is where Ritsuko is?"

          "I...she could be."

          "Let's go back.  She's probably in her office now anyway."

          As they began to backtrack, both knew the other had also known where they needed to go.  Yet neither sought to correct their path until now.  _Why is that?_  thought Shinji.  _What did she lead us this way for?  I suppose maybe she....no.  I should be so lucky._

          _Why does he resist?_ thought Rei._  People always run from the unfamiliar, even if they truly want it.  _Her eyes met Shinji's for a brief moment before he looked away, embarrassed.  _Could he want the same thing I do?  It seems that my desire is all I have left to feel._

_(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run_

_(I can't wake up) Before I come undone_

_(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become_

_Bring me to life_

          Passing the original T-intersection, they walked down the left path to the offices.  A few wandering employees saw them pass and smiled at the couple.  Shinji's ever-paranoid eyes shot back and forth as his consistently nervous walk increased in speed.  Rei maintained the pace required to stay close.  _Why do I do this? _ she thought.  _It is not as if we are actually together.  But why not?_

          She walked a little closer.

_I've been living a lie_

_There's nothing inside_

_Bring me to life_

          Rei knew the office at the end of the hall.  It was Ritsuko's.  Entering with Shinji, their presence seemed to surprise the room's only occupant.  "Oh, hello.  You're early."

          Shinji looked at the wall clock.  "We are?"

          "Well, just by a few minutes.  I was about to head down to the cage myself."  Dr. Akagi rose from her desk and passed them.  "You might as well come with me.  And Shinji, get into your plug suit.  It does tend to help."

          His face reddened a bit.  "Right."

          Rei watched Shinji leave for the locker room.  As he walked off hurriedly, she sighed for the third time today.

_Frozen inside without your touch_

_Without your love, darling_

_Only you are the life among the dead_

          Shinji's plug slid into Eva 01's spine.  As was always the procedure, he would remain in silent darkness for a few minutes.  Alone with his thoughts...thoughts of her.

_(All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see_

_Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me)_

          Rei, too, waited alone in her LCL-filled tomb.  There was always some sort of connection between pilots in the Evangelions at the same time.  She didn't understand it; no one really did.  But it was there.  She could feel him, feel his emotions.  _What is he thinking?  Is that...is he thinking of me?  And what is that emotion he feels?_

_I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems_

_Got to open my eyes to everything_

          Shinji felt it too.  She was there, living in his mind.  It filled him with two distinct sensations: that of intoxicating closeness to Rei, and that of paralyzing fear at being so naked before another.  None of his defenses were up; he was powerless.

_(Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul_

_Don't let me die here_

_There must be something more)_

_Bring me to life_

          Rei lurched forward in pain as if hit by a physical blow.  _No!  He fears me.  He hates me.  My presence causes him to feel pain.  The only thing I can make him feel is torment._  She slumped back against her seat and tightly shut her eyes.  _I am worthless._

_(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run_

_(I can't wake up) Before I come undone_

_(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become_

After the synch test was finished, Rei staggered across the bridge.  Shinji was there, detachedly watching the Evangelion technicians; Rei saw him looking away from her, just trying to shut her out.  She passed him quickly, her glistening eyes never leaving the floor.  At hearing her, Shinji turned to make another attempt at communicating with the object of his desire.  "Rei?"

          His voice fell upon closed ears and tear-framed eyes.

_Bring me to life._


	3. Everybody's Fool

Chapter Three: Everybody's Fool

          Fire spread through the doors of a local school.  The bright red tide of rampaging destruction burst in and traveled in a straight path at Touji Suzuhara.  It stopped for nothing; Touji knew this as well as anyone could and stared on in terror as the mouth below the flames opened up.

          "What are you looking at, you pervert!?"

          Touji wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he still knew when to keep away from Asuka.  She had a pretty short fuse, almost as if her red hair was burning down to its base to make her explode and take out the entire school.  As appealing as that thought was to Touji (the no school part, not the no Touji part), he knew that a blast of another kind was coming soon.

          "Oh, hey, Asuka!" he said, backing up hastily.  "And how are you?"

          "Don't talk to me, you idiots!" she yelled to everyone (and no one, really).  Asuka was like that.  Her mind _would_ be spoken, her opinion _would _be heard, and if you were near her, you _would _be deaf soon after.

          "That good, huh?" he mumbled as he slid into the desk next to a friend.  "Hey, you hear that?"

          Kensuke nodded, chuckling to himself.  "Everyone heard that.  Part of her charm, I suppose."

          "Her charm?" scoffed Touji.  "She doesn't even know the meaning of the word."

          "Then how is she always surrounded by her adoring public?"  Kensuke pointed out the usual crowd of students milling busily around their Queen.  "Look at that.  Fans everywhere.  The girls want to be like her, the guys just want her.  And you say she has no charm?"  He smiled and shook his head in mock disappointment.  "For shame."

_Perfect by nature_

_Icons of self-indulgence_

_Just what we all need_

_More lies about a world that_

_Never was and never will be_

_Have you no shame, don't you see me?_

_You know you've got everybody fooled_

"Whoa there," chided Touji.  "You almost sound like you're impressed.  You aren't going for her, are you?"

"Yes, Touji," deadpanned Kensuke.  "I'm madly in love with Asuka.  We're going to get married and start a family in the suburbs.  I'm buying a minivan."

"Take it back!" yelled Touji, almost in pain at this point.  "My ears!  They burn!"

Kensuke smacked his cringing coworker upside the head.  "Hey, cut that out.  You know I'd never fall for someone like that.  Sure she's a babe.  Sure I could go for it at any time.  But come on, we've both seen her during her more evil days, and that is _not_ the sort of thing I'd want to have to deal with all the time.  Poor Shinji...he can never get away from her.  Then again, he lives near her bedroom..."

_Whack._  "Kensuke?  Don't smack me."

_Look here she comes now_

_Bow down and stare in wonder_

_Oh, how we love you_

_No flaws when you're pretending_

A shadow fell over their desks.  "What are you two morons doing?" sighed Asuka.

"Talking about you.  Now beat it," replied Touji.

The fuse smoldered.

"Um, Touji?" said Kensuke.  "Run."

Ignition.

"And stay out!" yelled Asuka, slamming the classroom door behind them.  She ran her fingers through her hair, restoring it to its natural non-flammable state, and returned to the group of her friends.  _Ah, friends,_ she thought.  _Where would I be without them?  Probably out in the hallway with those social rejects.  But that's not for me.  I have everything.  And that's just the way I like it._

A glass-framed eye peered through a crack in the door and, along with its look-alike friend, rolled furiously.

_But now I know she_

_Never was and never will be_

_You don't know how you've betrayed me_

_And somehow you've got everybody fooled_

The rest of the day passed without further incident.  As their parrot stopped earning his name (for how could he be a teacher if all he did was repeat what he had heard before, blindly and without question?) and the harshly soothing tones of the bell rang out, the horde quickly gathered around its precious ruby and escorted her out the door.  They met the street and scattered; all except for a few of those wonderful friends left her for the comfort of their own homes.  Eventually the last of them departed and Asuka the Great was left to close the distance between herself and her home alone.

Both the door and her eyes opened; both the door and her eyes closed.  Only the latter began to flood.  Her pace quickened toward her room, her refuge.  As that final barrier clicked into place behind her she collapsed on to her bed and sobbed.

Outside, in the hallway, the ever-quiet Shinji stood and listened to the other half of the fresh tears staining the carpet.

_Without the mask_

_Where will you hide?_

_Can't find yourself_

_Lost in your lie_

A feeling of revulsion swept through the Third Child, incomparable to anything except what had happened that afternoon.  Then it hit him too; the two waves of nauseating pain urged him to seek relief in the usual place.  Moments later his head hit the pillow, but instead of emptying into his accustomed nothingness, it filled with the dull throb of feeling that which you wish you didn't.  His housemate was a disgusting fraud, the mother of all fakes, and she couldn't admit it even to herself; meanwhile, the only person he had ever harbored real emotion for had left in tears.  _So much pain.  And for what?_

_I know the truth now_

_I know who you are_

_And I don't love you anymore_

_It never was and never will be_

_You don't know how you've betrayed me_

_And somehow you've got everybody fooled_

Asuka's face burrowed deeper into her pillow.  Trying to shut out the loneliness by keeping everyone that could remind her of it away...it couldn't work, and she knew that; nonetheless, in her mind it was the only way to survive.

_You call this survival?_ she asked no one.  _I'm drowning in my own tears, terrified of what the world holds for me and too scared to face the reality I've created for myself.  This isn't survival.  I'm not even alive.  I shouldn't be.  I should end it all and just escape.  That's the only way out.  But I can't.  I just can't.  Dammit._

She choked back another wave of sorrow and burrowed deeper, deeper into the darkness of her soul.

_Never was and never will be_

_Not for real and you can't save me_

And somehow now you're everybody's fool. 


	4. My Immortal

Chapter Four: My Immortal

          The soft whir of Misato's apartment door broke the silence of the night.  As it slid shut behind her, she slumped into her living room chair and ceased to be the neat, clean NERV officer and reverted back to her depressed, sloppy, drunken self.  The familiar crack of an opening beer can officially ended the work day.

          She sighed and started drinking.  "It's been a long day.  Too much paperwork, not enough time.  There's never enough time."

          Misato turned on the television and started flipping through the channels.  It was the same old boring stuff as any other late night.  After a few minutes of searching for something good to watch, she figured that watching her own reflection could be, in this beer-soaked state of mind, just as entertaining.

          _I look terrible,_ she thought.  _I should probably do something about that.  But that would require moving, and moving isn't something I'm in a hurry to do right now.  A sound outside caused her to twitch a little and, finding nothing more than a bird on the ledge, look back to the reflective black screen._

          _What the hell?  She blinked, and it was gone.  _That looked like Kaji.__

          Kaji, the reason for her existence until a few weeks ago.  Kaji, that little piece of freedom from the paper prison she expanded daily.  It was like he was there in the makeshift mirror of a TV, like he had returned somehow.  But he hadn't; he couldn't.  Kaji was gone forever.  _Because of me.  I could have stopped it, I really could have.  But I didn't, and now he's gone._  She sunk deeper into the chair.  _I hate myself._

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave_

_'Cause your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

          Misato allowed reality to cloud over and disappear.  Half dreaming, she remembered the times they had together.  The days at work, the nights at her place, the long walks home in between.  All of those great memories that she'd hold forever, but no chances to create new ones.  The realization of her loneliness' permanence cut through her heart like a frigid dagger.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

          _Do you remember that time, Kaji? she asked.  _When I managed to get you even more drunk than I was?  I had to help you to just keep standing.  You got so paranoid, convinced that everyone was plotting to destroy you.  I think you actually yelped once.  I was there to help you.  I was always there for you.  But then again, you were always there for me, through all the times I wandered home without knowing so much as my own name.  You never gave up on me, Kaji.  So why did I give up on you?__

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

_          You know, _she continued, _I always looked forward to seeing you at the office.  You made the day just a little bit better, no matter how good or bad it was.  Life without you there just isn't the same.  I'm in withdrawal.  I try to push you aside, try to live life without needing you, but that only works during the day.  As soon as night falls, here you are; like a splinter in my mind, driving me mad._

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light_

_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

_Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice, it chased away all of the sanity in me_

          "Why won't you just go away?" she yelled aloud.  "Every day I honor your memory, every day I live out thinking only of you, _every day_ I try to just survive, and you keep draining my life away!  Why?  Why won't you just release me…"

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

          The tears so long readied came pouring out with the sobs of regret, of pain, of isolation, and of knowing that it would never end.  She would cry again, like she had done every night.  She would moan and scream to be freed every night, but to no avail.  Misato Katsuragi had chained herself to another, one she cared for deeply, and he had sunk under the surface.  Those chains, born of passion and love, were now dragging her into the same world as Kaji.  With her sense of self-preservation fighting her wish to be with her beloved, the ensuing struggle took its toll on her life.  Every day the war zone inside her head grew more desolate, every day more ravaged.  Every day a little piece of her just slipped away.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

          "You're not real," she whimpered at the specter in the mirror.  "You don't exist.  You're gone.  How do you stay with me when you're already dead?  Why can't I get free?"

          She stopped abruptly and realized the answer to all her questions had been right there in front of her face.  "I can't get away from you because…I was never with you.  I told myself that there was no me or you, just us…but I lied.  I could never give myself away to another, relinquishing control like that.  I had to live on my own.  That's why I'm stuck here.  That's why I can't ever truly be free.  I've deluded myself into believing I'm with you.  But I'm a liar."  She leaned her tear-streaked face towards the ceiling.  "Forgive me, Kaji."

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

_But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along_

          Seeing Misato's head fall and her sobbing body slowly grow still, Shinji retreated back behind the doorway.  He had seen the whole thing; it was just one more memory he wished he didn't have.

          "She's so sad," he whispered to himself.  "I thought Kaji made her happy, but all that's come of their relationship is sadness.  Is that all love is, some state of mind where you can ignore the pain afterward and live for the moment?  But we live through all moments, both joyous and sad, both pleasant and painful.  How could some fleeting, evanescent minute of careless pleasure make up for all the hours spent mourning its end?"

          As he silently closed the door of his room and returned to bed, Shinji stared at the ceiling and thought.  "Is it even worth trying?"

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_


	5. Haunted

Chapter 5: Haunted

     Asuka couldn't sleep.

     Maybe it was the incessant sobbing that always seemed to pervade her borrowed home.  She hated it as she hated everything that reminded her of her own sadness.  Maybe it was that: the pain of deep sorrow, rooted in her psyche ever since...

     _No,_ she thought.  _I refuse to believe that ever had any effect.  I'm stronger than that.  Stronger than her.  This is stupid, just go to sleep._

     "It's not that easy, Asuka."

     The startled girl bolted upright and frantically searched the room with her eyes.  Nothing.  There was no one there, but that voice had been as clear as anyone's.

     "I know.  Silly girl.  Why won't you accept the truth?"

     Asuka knew that voice well.  Hearing it again after so many nights of telling herself it would never return sent an icy wave of fear down through her body.  It couldn't be, yet it was.  As the realization set in, Asuka froze, as paralyzed as the little child she was when last they had met.

     "My poor little doll."

_Long lost words whisper slowly to me_

_Still can't find what keeps me here_

_When all this time I've been so hollow inside…_

     "No..."

     Asuka was trembling now.  At the foot of her bed sat a figure cloaked in a white hospital gown.  Her back was turned, but even without seeing her do it Asuka knew she was cradling...it.  That abomination, that little monster, that fake.  The copy of her, born not of human flesh but of fear and hatred.

     "Don't be afraid, Asuka.  I won't let that girl hurt you."  As she softly cooed those words, her finger moved in a slow arc and came to rest on Asuka, pointing like the cold hand of Death.  It had much the same effect; Asuka shrunk back from the venomous barb, fatally stung.

_Watching me, wanting me_

_I can feel you pull me down_

_Fearing you, loving you_

_I won't let you pull me down_

     "No...please..."

     The hand came back to rest upon the doll held so tenderly, so lovingly.  "Be quiet.  Can't you see you're disturbing my daughter?"

     "Mother...please...listen to me..."

     The figure moved not.

     "Please..."  Tears flowed freely down Asuka's face; the sobs that shook her body grew more frequent.  "Mother, just give me a chance...just hear me out, just this once..."

     The figure moved not.

     "Please," she continued, shaking, "I'll be a good girl.  I'll do whatever you want me to do.  I'll be perfect for you, mama.  But please, listen to me."

     The figure moved not.

     "Mama," she choked, "please...please, don't ignore me!  Don't leave me again!"

     The figure moved, imperceptibly shifting its weight to hunch more closely toward its precious baby.  "We don't need her, Asuka.  We don't need anyone.  We don't need to live in the same world as them.  Die with me, Asuka."

     "NO!"

     She had heard those words spoken long ago, just days before her mother hung herself.  Asuka ran in, happy to have found something to justify her existence and wanting to share it with her, but it was too late.  She was dead.

     She was dead.

     "You...you're not alive.  You're not real."  Asuka's voice struggled to stay strong.  "You don't exist."

     "You're right.  I am dead.  Because of you."

     "Mama...no..."

     "Now join me."

     A dying whisper escaped her lips.  "Please...don't kill me..."

_Hunting you, I can smell you…alive_

_Your heart pounding in my head…_

     "What's the matter, little girl?  You said you'd do anything for me.  You're a liar."

     "No!  That's not true!  I just..."

     "You deceived me.  You hate me, don't you?"

     "No, mother, I..."

     "I don't need you anymore.  I never needed you.  You are nothing.  Die with me!"

     "No..."  Her frail voice faded.  "Don't do this, mama...don't kill me again..."

_Watching me, wanting me_

_I can feel you pull me down_

_Saving me, raping me_

Watching me 

     The figure finally turned to face her.  As soon as it did, Asuka wished it hadn't.  Its eyes were burning coals set in a skeletal mask of death and decay, searing through her own, deep into her soul.  The peeled flesh surrounding its bony gash of a mouth retracted into a shrieking malicious sneer.  "DIE WITH ME!"

     Asuka's scream burst open her eyes to reveal darkness, blurry through her tear-streaked vision but devoid of that ghastly specter and its doll.  She clutched her pillow tightly and held it close.  "Mama..." she whispered to the empty room.  "Please don't leave me."

_Watching me, wanting me_

_I can feel you pull me down_

_Fearing you, loving you_

_I won't let you pull me down._


	6. Tourniquet

Chapter Six: Tourniquet

          Rei Ayanami fell onto the bed with the grace of an angel slain.  And slain she was, not by bullet or blade but by the cruel, cutting apathy of a love denied.

          The walk home from NERV had been a long one.  Every car that passed seemed to have two occupants, every park bench was home to two lovers.  Everything she saw reminded her of Shinji, and so much more the fact that she was forever separated from him.

          _Why does he fear me so?_ she asked herself.  _What have I done to invoke such hatred?  I never offended him, never overstepped the boundaries of what little relationship there was._  A pause.  _That must be my nature.  I exist to bring sorrow and pain.  There is no other place in this world for me.  Perhaps, then, I will leave it._

          The idea of suicide was not new to Rei.  A hundred nights had entertained those thoughts, but every time they had faded away at the remembrance of Shinji.  Her reason to go on, the young Ikari had provided her unknowingly with life-giving hope.  His refusal had killed that hope, and Rei with it.

          Searching her sparsely furnished apartment, Rei came to the sad excuse for a kitchen.  On the counter sat a wooden block holding four polished knives, several of which had never been used.  She took the one that appeared sharpest and proceeded to the bathroom.

          The rusted metal handles on her bath seemed to reside in the same state as their owner.  The entire room reeked of stagnant disrepair; actually, so did the rest of the apartment.  As the tepid water began to pour out and fill the space around her naked body, Rei settled back and made herself as comfortable as she would ever be again.

          A few short minutes later, she was immersed up to her neck.  Rei cut off the flow of water and felt around for the knife placed somewhere on the broken tiled floor.  As her hand came to rest on the blade she grasped it tightly and lifted it into the tub with her.  A trickle of blood dripped off her palm; she dropped it, wincing.  _Why do I fear the pain?  I should embrace it, for it is my salvation._  Rei picked up the knife, gripped it firmly, and slashed along her left wrist.

          The pain again...this time she welcomed it.  It was more intensely discomforting than anything she had ever felt, and at the same time more comfortably intense.  Blood pumped out from the diagonal tear, meeting the rhythm of her frail heart.  Rei gazed to the ceiling and sliced open the other wrist.

_I tried to kill the pain_

_But only brought more (so much more)_

_I lay dying and I am pouring_

_Crimson regret and betrayal_

_I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming_

_Am I too lost to be saved?_

_Am I too lost?_

          Rei dropped the knife outside the tub and returned her arms to their resting places.  A trail of red was left, having painted the bathroom with her essence.  That crimson dye spread to the bath water and swirled down into the murky depths, never to return.  Rei watched all of this with a detached interest.

_          It's strange,_ she thought, _to be so fascinated by my own blood.  It is always near, just beneath the skin, but to watch it emerge...it's so bright, so surreal.  And red...the color I hate, yet the color of my freedom._

          She laid her head upon the wall behind her and closed her eyes.

_My God, my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

_My God, my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

          "I wonder...if Ikari will remember me," Rei said, breaking the suffocating silence.  "And, if he will, for how long?  But I suppose it doesn't matter.  I was never able to believe in a Heaven.  What is there after death for me but oblivion?"  She opened her eyes to survey the damage: one wrist vein was cleanly cut, but the other one was a ragged gash, shredded.  Blood everywhere.

          "Maybe there is something after death.  If so...will he be there?  If I must live eternally in even the most perfect world, without Ikari it would be hell."  As the water grew darker, Rei closed her eyes again.  "I will know soon."

_Do you remember me?_

_Lost for so long_

_Will you be on the other side_

_Or will you forget me?_

_I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming_

_Am I too lost to be saved?_

_Am I too lost?_

          Memories began to float into Rei's consciousness, demanding one last bit of use before they expired.  People she knows...no, people she knew.  Everything was past-tense now, another aspect of death Rei found strangely fascinating.

          A vision implanted itself in her mind's eye: it was Shinji, asleep in his bed.  _Just like he is now_, she thought, for it was just before midnight.  He was curled up, clutching his pillow tightly, with an expression of turmoil worn into his face.  _This is my doing.  He is sad because of me.  It was good to do this...it is good to die._

_My God, my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

My God, my tourniquet 

_Return to me salvation_

          Rei tried to lift her heavy eyes one last time and succeeded only partially.  The dull lighting illuminated a dark red bathtub far more full than it had been half an hour ago, and as Rei saw it only one thought passed through her weary mind.  _I hope I am not making him sad.  I hope this makes everything fine again.  I hope that, for once in my life, I could do something of my own accord that is right._

          Summoning her last reserves of strength, Rei lifted her gaze to the heavens.  Her voice was weak, just a whisper punctuated by the unfamiliar splashing of tears.

"Shinji-kun...am I doing the right thing?"

          And with that one last thought of her beloved, Rei closed her eyes forever.

_My wounds cry for the grave_

_My soul cries for deliverance_

Will I be denied? 

_Christ, tourniquet, my suicide._


	7. Imaginary

Chapter Seven: Imaginary

Shinji's hand swatted blindly at the rectangular scream machine sitting beside his bed. After a few practice smacks he managed to hit it. The alarm shut off for a few more minutes, leaving him to think about all the thoughts swirling through his head. Most of them were _I hate mornings._

Burrowing again under the covers, Shinji sunk back into a light sleep. As usual, he began to dream immediately. The sounds of reality all drained away and were replaced with the soft, even fall of a spring rain. It was relaxing...comforting.

Then, suddenly, the rain stopped. Looking up, Shinji saw a fiery dragon, screeching out its fabled battle cry: "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"

Shinji opened his eyes and punched it in the face, sending it flying across the room. The cord connecting it to the wall had been severed, but he knew that, should he stay there longer, he'd be next on the chopping block; the NERV staff could be slightly over-punctual at times. Rising again, he cast aside the sheets and headed out his bedroom door to the rest of the world.

_I linger in the doorway_

_Of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name_

_Let me stay where the wind still whispers to me_

_Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story_

_In my field of paper flowers_

_And candy clouds of lullabye_

_I lie inside myself for hours_

_And watch my purple sky fly over me_

The first set of doors opened as Shinji wandered into NERV's base of operations. Misato had left already, either to do some real work or to sulk in her office. _Probably the sulking, _he thought. The corridors were completely empty at this point; later on, Shinji knew, they'd be filled with technicians and scientists, doing their jobs and keeping up the usual string of coworker chat.

Going through the next doorway, Shinji saw them. Dozens of them, and all talking in low whispers as if keeping some guarded secret. As the doors closed with a heavy clank, every head in the room turned to stare blankly at Shinji. Sensing the palpable tension, he stopped immediately and looked around at the silent crowd. A few turned away, embarrassed at being caught staring; some kept watching. Most of them resumed their now-hurried talks with increased fervor and decreased volume.

Shinji kept walking, keeping one shifty eye on his audience and one on the door ahead. Making it through this last obstacle, he slumped to the wall and let out a deep breath of relief as the steel gates clicked shut. On the other side, all work stopped as the conversation grew louder.

_What the hell is going on?_ he asked himself. _They never even notice me, let alone talk about me. Why should they? Something's wrong...I'll ask Ritsuko._

Following the same path he had taken with Rei just yesterday, Shinji walked rather hastily to Dr. Akagi's office. He forced himself to keep looking ahead, to ignore those same stares from these different faces. By the time he arrived at that office, his hands were trembling. The door opened to Misato and Ritsuko, talking in the same hushed tone. On hearing him enter, both surprised faces turned to look at the topic of their conversation. "Shinji! ...What are you doing here?"

"What's going on?" he asked Misato. "Why is everyone acting so strange?"

The two looked at each other unsteadily, but said nothing.

"Tell me."

Ritsuko nodded to Misato, who stepped forward and took a seat in one of the chairs lining the wall. "Shinji...sit down."

"No more stalling. What's wrong?"

"Shinji, I..." She lowered her gaze to the floor, a pained look upon her face. "...It's Rei."

Shinji flinched. He gripped the arms of the chair tightly. "..W...What about Rei?"

"She..." Misato's voice broke. "I'm so sorry, Shinji."

"What is it!?" he yelled, his eyes already beginning to grow moist.

Misato closed her eyes, unable to bear the sight of her adoptive son's terrified expression. "Rei is dead."

Shinji's eyes opened wider; his jaw dropped in what could only be the feeling of pure, unrestrained horror. "No..."

Misato, still unable to look Shinji in the eyes, whispered softly, "I'm sorry, Shinji. I...I didn't want to have to tell you, but..."

"No..." He wiped the newly forming tears from his eyes. "I don't believe it. It can't be. She can't be dead. You're lying. You're lying!"

"Shinji..."

"No! Get away from me! Get away from me...you're...you're lying...she can't..."

"Shinji, please, listen to me..."

It was too late. The third child had already slammed the door behind him and began to run down the hall, toward nothing, toward anything. As long as he could get away from the truth, he could survive.

"Please...don't kill me..."

_Don't say I'm out of touch_

_With this rampant chaos, your reality_

_I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge_

_The nightmare I built my own world to escape_

_I_n my field of paper flowers

_And candy clouds of lullabye_

_I lie inside myself for hours_

_And watch my purple sky fly over me_

Another door slid shut behind him. Shinji turned the lock, flicked off the lights and collapsed back into bed. Sliding completely under the blankets, he pulled the pillow down with him. Seconds later, the tears began to pour.

"Rei..." he sobbed. "Rei, why have you forsaken me? Why did you have to die? You did nothing wrong...I'd rather die than see you gone." A short silence, interrupted only by quick, shallow gasps of breath. "I think I loved you."

Sinking deeper into despair, Shinji let the darkness overtake him. Within minutes his chosen reality, his emotional fortress of dreaming, had formed again. It was exactly as it had always been; raindrops gently falling from a sky the color of Unit 01, sprawling lush plains, a thick forest to hide in, and no one anywhere to remind him of reality.

Shinji started toward the dark forest, but something stopped him. No sound, nothing that he saw, but he felt it. Behind him. He turned and gasped. There she was, standing atop a rolling hill in all her radiant beauty. The angel of the sea, his life, his salvation: Rei Ayanami.

_Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming_

_Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights_

_Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming_

_The goddess of imaginary light_

"Rei!" he called to her, but she moved not. "Rei...you're here."

She stood there, not talking, not moving, but continued to gaze upon Shinji with a face that spoke of sadness without equal . Shinji ran to her, but with every step she began to sink into the ground. He saw and ran faster; faster still she sank. With only a few yards left, Shinji dove to her with open arms, but to no avail. He landed on the grass, alone.

"Rei! Please don't leave me!" he screamed out into the void of his mind. For the first time, tears pervaded the shelter of Shinji's dream world. He fell upon his back and wept openly, watching the sky float past through eyes flowing with the tears of a soul utterly alone.

_In my field of paper flowers_

_And candy clouds of lullabye_

_I lie inside myself for hours_

_And watch my purple sky fly over me._


	8. Taking Over Me

Chapter Eight: Taking Over Me

          Morning.  Every day that unwelcome visitor forced its way into Shinji's home, and every day he wished he could just throw it back out the window.  For the first few seconds of consciousness, it seemed today was no different.  Those brief moments where nothing was wrong and everything was just as it always was, a clean slate ready to be filled...they were the best moments of Shinji's otherwise tumultuous life.

          But then, as they would do for the rest of his life, the memories hit him like the bullets they were.  One shot into the part of his mind that held the records of those times when he was close to Rei.  One entered just below his thoughts of the future and ripped a deep wound into all his thoughts  of the past, thoughts of rare happiness with the "first child".  Shinji laid back and let it bleed.

          All these memories left him with no room for any other activity within his troubled mind.  Shinji had one constant defense against overwhelming situations like this, and that was to collapse into himself and sleep.  And so he did; melting the swirling images together, Shinji forged a new one, one of Rei.  Soon, though, he realized it was just a dream, and with that realization came another: Rei is gone, and she's never coming back.  Even as he returned to the real world, his eyes shut tighter and shed the first of the day's many tears.

_You don't remember me but I remember you_

_I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you_

_But who can decide what they dream_

_And dream I do_

_I believe in you_

_I'll give up everything just to find you_

_I have to be with you_

_To live, to breathe_

_You're taking over me_

          The house was empty.  This confirmed, Shinji took a seat in Misato's living room chair.  Noticing the remote on the armrest, he turned the TV on and searched for something to get his mind off...well, off everything.  A news show here, old sitcoms there, but it all ran together into one blurred series of images.  After a while, the sound ceased to be a useful distraction and became merely irritating noise.  Shinji pressed the power button and the television went mercifully silent.  He still stared on at the screen, where his reflection sat disconnectedly staring back.  Its eyes lowered shut, and Shinji found himself drifting away again.  And again, he enjoyed it.  His escape.

          When those eyes opened again, the room had changed.  It was more like NERV, like one of the labs there.  But like his home, back in reality, this too was deserted.  The lights were turned off; the whole place seemed empty, as if the hundreds of employees had all decided to abandon their posts at once.  Shinji looked down and saw he was sitting in the kind of chair he had been in when Misato had reluctantly told him about Rei.

          He froze.  A noise, almost imperceptible, drew his gaze to the left side of the room.  Nothing there but a row of lab tables.  And the right side...no.  Nothing there either.

          Shinji sighed and leaned forward, holding his head in his hands.  _Of course she isn't here.  She's gone._  And then his words hit him.  _Gone...even from my dreams.  I've lost her forever._  And once more, the tears came.  _Rei...please don't leave me..._

          Suddenly another hand reached around him and gently grasped his own.  Startled, Shinji looked to see who it was.  Five pale, albinic fingers laid enmeshed with his quivering palm.  A timid albeit joyous smile rushed to his face as he turned to find...

          The living room.  And no one else.__

_Have you forgotten all I know and all we had?_

_You saw me mourning my loss for you and touched my hand_

_I knew you loved me then_

_I believe in you_

_I'll give up everything just to find you_

_I have to be with you_

To live, to breathe 

_You're taking over me_

          An hour later, Shinji still hadn't moved from that chair.  He hadn't eaten since he heard the news nearly twenty-four hours ago.  His appetite, it would seem, was in shock as well.  The effect was beginning to show; he had grown thinner and increasingly lethargic, not moving at all for hours on end.  And so he sat, sinking deeper.  

          A sound outside caused him to twitch a little and, finding nothing more than a bird on the ledge, look back to the reflective black screen of the TV.__

          _What the hell?  He blinked, and it was gone.  _That looked like Rei.__

          Everything looked like Rei at that point.  And everything always would.  Such were the thoughts of the boy who, in a mere twenty-five hours, had learned of the death of his only real friend, stopped everything to mourn the loss of his future, and dreamed up three successive reunions and woke, devastated, from them all.

          _I'm alone now, he thought. __Without anyone left that cares.  Without a friend, without a future, with NERV's techs as the only people that really needs me…_

          _…Just like Rei._

          The sheer overpowering empathy towards the girl he had barely known was enough to jolt Shinji out of his sluggish state completely.  This was Rei: her life, her every day was just like this.  She was more alone than anyone had ever been, and so much more than anyone should have been.  Her only real relationships had been with Commander Ikari, who only wanted to use her for his own selfish goals, and…  _…and me.  I was her connection to the world.  Which means…which means that whatever she did, she did because of me.  Rei is dead…because of me?_

          "No…"  Shinji whimpered.  "Don't let that be true.  I…never wanted to hurt you.  Never!  I would have died for you!  But not the other way around.  You were never supposed to die.  You were supposed to…to…"

          At a loss for words, Shinji burst into tears.  His entire body was racked with convulsions, his face wet with the rivers flowing from his tired eyes.  Choking back the screams of rage and sadness that strived to erupt from within, Shinji managed to utter a few more words before he could speak no more.  "Rei…I'm so sorry."

_I look in the mirror and see your face_

_If I look deep enough_

_So many things inside that are just like you are taking over_

_I believe in you_

_I'll give up everything just to find you_

_I have to be with you_

_To live, to breathe_

_You're taking over me_


	9. Hello

Chapter Nine: Hello

            Asuka stared out the dark, rain-painted window of her classroom and wondered how much longer she'd have to wait here before going home.  She glanced up at the wall clock.  _Another three and a half hours.  Her sighs were interrupted by the bell that signaled a break for lunch.  A small smile came to her face as she reached for her box lunch and quickly turned into a glaring frown at finding none._

            "That lazy little baka..."  Looking around the room, she searched for the boy that was supposed to have made her a meal, just like he usually did.  _Maybe he's in the restroom, or the halls, she thought.  "Hey, Kensuke!"_

            At hearing his name yelled by that voice, the young Mr. Aida instinctively jumped to the side.  Seeing that nothing had been thrown he turned to face the fortunately pacified Asuka.  "Yeah?"

            "Where's Shinji?  He forgot my lunch."

            "Then I guess he forgot to bring himself, too.  He's not here today."  The eager glass-covered eyes took on an air of interest.  "Working at NERV, perhaps?"

            "Maybe."  Her voice trailed off, giving Kensuke the distinct impression of total apathy on her part.  Disappointed, the military buff returned to his sandwich.

            Asuka began to walk away but stopped abruptly.  "Hey, Ayanami's absent too."

            "Working, perhaps?"

            A pause.  "Yeah, that's probably it," she said.  "She's always at work.  Too good to come to our humble little school, is she?"

            "Hey, go easy on Rei," said Kensuke, his own reflexive forcefulness startling them both.  "I mean...you know.  She's a good person.  I'm sure she's doing something important."

            "She's just a stupid doll," Asuka said under her breath, and walked back to her seat.

_Playground school bell rings...again..._

_Rainclouds come to play...again..._

_Has no one told you she's not breathing?_

_Hello, I am your mind_

_Giving you someone to talk to..._

_Hello..._

            Her mission complete, Asuka strolled proudly away from the desk of a now-lunchless student.  His jaw was still slightly agape, but even as the new kid he knew not to challenge the class bomb on anything, lest she go off.

            She sat down and began rummaging through her ill-gotten paper bag.  "An apple...soda...a sandwich.  Not bad.  Now what kind is--"

            The school PA system screeched on and, in a grainy, static-riddled voice, blurted out, "Asuka Langley-Sohryu, please report to the office."  As the message cut to pure electrical buzzing and then silence, all eyes shifted from the box on the wall to its victim.

            "Hey, what are you looking at?" she yelled.  Promptly the bomb squad shut up and resumed doing...whatever.  Even as they wisely pretended to ignore her, the crowd's eyes followed Asuka out of the classroom.

            Though she wondered why she, of all people, would be called to the office, Asuka's overgrown self-confidence ensured that she didn't dread the meeting like so many of the lesser students that surrounded her everyday.  She boldly strode into the modernly furnished cave of the principal.

            "You called?" she asked, displaying a cheerful fake smile.

            He raised his eyes from the fax printout in front of him to the girl it concerned.  "You're Miss Sohryu, correct?"  At her confirming nod, he continued.  "I'm afraid I have some bad news from a Dr. Akagi.  Do you know her?"  Asuka answered in the affirmative, her smile fading a bit at the condescending manner of such a foolish old man.

            "There is a girl in your class by the name of Rei Ayanami.  I understand you two were friends?"

            "Hardly, sir.  We're classmates and coworkers at best.  And why do you say 'were friends'?"

            "Well..."  His mouth remained open, his eyes searching the distance for the right words.  "Perhaps it would be best if you read this for yourself."

            Asuka reached across the desk to accept the faxed note, which had been folded shut.  "Thank you, sir.  May I be on my way?"

            "Don't you want to read it now?" he asked concernedly.

            "No thank you, I'll read it in class.  May I go now?"

            The old man frowned, but reluctantly agreed.  His last words to her were quickly forgotten and lost in the short burst of German expletives muttered as the door shut behind her.  "I don't want a memo about Ayanami.  I don't want anything to do with that frigid little doll.  And her, my friend?  I don't give a damn about her.  She should just drop dead and do us all a favor."

            As the doorknob turned, so did the heads of the cameraless paparazzi.  Most saw her customary warning glare and turned away, but the ever-brash Touji ignored the danger and went as far as to do the unthinkable: to talk to her.  "Hey, Asuka, what was that office business about?"

            "None of yours, but the principal had to give me some letter."  She casually sat down and tried to ignore the moron talking at her.

            "What about?"

            Asuka sighed.  "Something about Ayanami.  I haven't read it yet," she said with a subtle pride.

            A hand reached from behind her and grabbed the paper, yanking it away before Asuka could stop it.  "Well," said the quickly leaving Touji, "if _you're_ not gonna read it..."

            Asuka was out of her seat in an instant, chasing him.  Touji smiled widely and read out loud as he ran.  "Miss Sohryu..."

            "Give me that, you jackass!" she yelled.

            Undeterred, he continued, jumping chairs and the occasional interfering leg.  "We regret to inform you that..."

            Touji stopped dead in his tracks.  Asuka slid to a halt, barely avoiding a collision with the noisy roadblock.  "Hey!  Don't just stop like that, I almost tripped over you!  Hey, are you listening to me?"

            He stood, staring at the paper in disbelief.  "Asuka..."

            "What is it now?  Come on,  give me that thing or I'll..."

            "Rei is dead."

            The entire room fell instantly silent.  Not a footstep fell, not a desk leg squeaked along the tile floor.  Even the chalk-toting parrot-teacher paused to assimilate this latest bit of news.

            "What?" demanded Asuka.

            The paper dropped to the floor.  "She's...dead."

            "Let me see that."  Asuka picked it up and skimmed through.  Her brow furrowed as she read: "Yesterday...huh.  Killed herself."  She tossed it back to Touji and walked back to her seat, straight-faced.  "I'm not surprised."

            Sensing a group of people staring, Asuka looked over to meet their wide-eyed gaze.  They stood there in complete silence.  "What?"

            As Kensuke quietly made his way to the back of the room, Hikari also separated from the group and took a seat next to her, keeping the stare going.   "Asuka...she's dead."

            "I know.  I heard him the first time."

            "But...how can you be so calm about this?"

            "Calm about what?" she asked nonchalantly.  "Rei died.  So what?  She was never really alive anyway."

            A voice came from behind them.  "Shut up."

            Mildly angered at all this undue attention, Asuka turned to face the opposition.  "Excuse me?"

            "How can you just sit there like nothing's wrong?  Like you don't care at all?"  Kensuke's voice trembled with rage.  "You heartless bitch."

            The others gasped.  Whispers of "Did you hear that?" and "I can't believe he said that!" passed from spectator to spectator.

            By now, Asuka had risen from her desk and stood, toe-to-toe, with a teary-eyed Kensuke.  A long silence passed before she broke it in a low, restrained voice.  "For your sake, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.  But I'm not going to take more of this from any of you.  I never liked Ayanami, and I don't need your pity.  Goodbye."

           With her eyes narrowed and thoroughly dry, Asuka stormed out of the classroom and toward home, leaving nearly two dozen people to stare at the door in silence.

_If I smile and don't believe_

_Soon I know I'll wake from this dream_

_Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken_

_Hello, I am the lie_

_Living for you so you can hide..._

_Don't cry_

            The sliding door slammed behind Asuka, closing her room off from the rest of the world.  As soon as that seal was complete, the one within her mind that kept sadness at bay broke.  In it came: the emotions felt by all, even her.  Touji's shock, Hikari's sadness, Kensuke's uncharacteristic anger, it all came flooding into her fragile mind, past the walls of self-defense and to the real Asuka, the one the world never saw.

            "Damn it," she whispered, "why do they have to make me feel?  I don't want their sadness..."  But even as she said it, that sadness burst out in the form of tears.

            "I don't want this..." she sobbed.  "Please take this burden from me..."  But no one answered.  "Damn it, Rei, why did you have to die?"

_Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping_

_Hello, I'm still here:_

_All that's left of yesterday..._


	10. My Last Breath

Chapter Ten: My Last Breath

          Since that afternoon, Shinji had done little beside tearfully mourning.  When Asuka came home in a similar state, he instantly knew that she had been told.  Her oft-repeated bouts of crying were worse than usual, and longer.  Shinji thought he'd heard Rei's name nestled between the sobs, but then Shinji thought he'd heard and seen a lot more of Rei than existed anymore.

          Day finally showed mercy and left; the sun dipped below the horizon and vanished.  Shinji took some relief in the fact that he could get away at last, if only for a brief time.  It had always been brief for him, but now Shinji would take anything he could get if it would let him escape the pain.

          The sound from Asuka's bedroom had died down for now.  Perhaps she's asleep, thought Shinji.  Running away, just like me.  But running is all I have left.  Besides, it's always easier to run, always easier than to face the pain.

          Thus began the nightly ritual.  Shinji closed the door, turned off the lights, got into bed, and vanished.  His body remained there, tossing and turning beneath the blankets, but the real Shinji was in another universe entirely: the world of paper flowers, purple skies, and Rei Ayanami.

          Somewhere, in the dark void of nothingness, Rei stirred.  Her eyes opened for the first time since her death and searched the horizon, but there was none to search.  Just inky blackness in every direction.  Returned to nothingness.

          And then recalled to life.  With an explosion of color and light, the world formed again.  The blurry images swirling before her coalesced into recognizable objects: a table, a door, a bed...

          And Shinji.  Rei's nonexistent eyes widened in awe.  She was back.  Yet something felt odd, unusual.  She looked down and noticed herself floating several feet above the carpeted floor.  _I'm..still dead.  Without a body, yet I see one.  It must then be what I expect to see, and therefore I see it.  Without the constraints of a body, if I expect to be able to, then I can._

          With these thoughts fresh in her mind, Rei landed softly on the carpet, kneeled down, and touched Shinji's forehead.  The unconscious boy breathed in deeply and grew still as Rei entered his mind.

          _It's snowing,_ thought Shinji.  _It never snows in here._

          But it was.  Soft white crystals floated from the lavender clouds and were escorted by the breeze to encircle the tall, branching trees of the dense temperate forest nearby.  The childhood wonder at seeing such a spectacular natural show brought a faint smile to Shinji's face for exactly as long as it took to remember why he was here.  A snowflake landed on his cheek and quickly melted, absorbed into the thin strand of water already forming there.  "Rei..."

          "Shinji."

          Even before he turned around, even before he saw her, he knew she was there.  Her presence so overwhelming was that just to be near her again felt intoxicating.  None of the other dreams were like this.

          "Because I was never in them."

          _You can read my mind._

          "We are in your mind.  All that is within is connected.  You, me, the trees and the sky, in here we are all one mind."

          _You said you were never in the other dreams._

          "Correct."

          _Does that mean that what I see now is really you?_

          "Correct.  In any other dreams you had, the Rei you saw there was merely the Rei that existed in your mind: a memory, a concept.  But I am."

          _You are what?_

          "I am.  I exist.  I know that I exist; I think, and therefore I am."

          _Rei..._ Shinji struggled to remain collected and calm.  "Rei, I miss you so much."

          "But you hate me."

          Shinji recoiled, shocked more than he was even in Ritsuko's office.  "Hate you?  No...Rei, I could never hate you."

          "But in the Evangelions, during our synchronization test.  Our minds were one, and you feared me."

          "I feared being so close so soon," Shinji said.  "I feared being unprepared.  I feared...I feared hurting you."

          "You shouldn't.  I am expendable.  An asset to be used and discarded."

          Instantly he was holding her.  "No, Rei.  Don't ever say that.  Because that's a lie.  You've probably been told that every day of your life, that you were meaningless.  But that's just not true.  You mean everything to me."

          For the first time in as long as Rei could remember, she was speechless.  A long silence passed as she stared down at Shinji's chest.  A heart beat there, she knew, but could it hold feelings for me?

          Suddenly, Rei looked up into the sky.  "We have little time left.  You are beginning to wake."

          "No!" exclaimed Shinji.  "I won't lose you again!"

          "It is...all right.  I am not afraid anymore.  I have been there, and..."

          "But I'm afraid, Rei.  When I lost you, I lost everything.  I can't let that happen again."  He choked back a sob.  "Please, Rei...please don't leave me again."

          Shinji lowered his head and closed his eyes, trying to push away the loss, but trying to keep its cause.  Then something happened that couldn't happen.  It was impossible.  It denied every law and principal that the First Child operated on.  Yet it did, for when Shinji looked up again he felt Rei's arms holding him tight.  He opened his mouth to speak, but no words could express what he felt then.  Shinji just reached his arms around her and held Rei close as the tears upon his cheek turned to tears of joy.

_Hold on to me, love_

_You know I can't stay long_

_All I wanted to say was I love you_

_And I'm not afraid_

_Can you hear me?_

_Can you feel me in your arms?_

_Holding my last breath_

_Safe inside myself_

_Are all my thoughts of you_

_Sweet raptured light_

_It ends here tonight_

          After a blissful eternity, Rei looked over Shinji's shoulder.  "There.  To the forest.  If we can alter the dream's environment, keeping your mind busy, you may be able to delay waking."

          She didn't have to tell him twice.  The two began walking quickly toward the nearest line of trees, ignoring the omnipresent snow completely.  The short time between departure and arrival passed silently.  As the first of the massive wooden pillars passed behind them, Shinji asked, "Is this far enough?"

          "Yes, it should be.  Though I am unsure; I am new to this concept myself."

          "Rei...will I ever see you again?"

          "You mean after the dream is over?  I...I don't know.  Perhaps.  You called me here, summoned my soul with your thoughts.  So I came."  Her voice fell.  "But you had tried before unsuccessfully...this may be the last time I can return."

          "I can't lose you, Rei.  I just can't.  Without you, I have no reason to keep on living.  If I could never see you again, never be with you again...I just couldn't go on."

          "I...I wish I knew what to do."

          Shinji sighed.  "So do I, Rei.  But enough about the future.  You were my future, and you're here now.  And for now...this is enough.  Here, with you, I'm happy.  I've never felt like this."

          "Yes..." said Rei. "It is...a good feeling."  She pressed her hand to his chest.  "I can feel you.  And that is the best thing I have ever felt."

_I'll miss__ the winter_

A world of fragile things 

_Look for me in the white forest_

_Hiding in a hollow tree (Come find me)_

_I know you hear me_

_I can taste it in your tears_

_Holding my last breath_

_Safe inside myself_

_Are all my thoughts of you_

_Sweet raptured light_

_It ends here tonight_

          For a moment it seemed as if the unshakeable Rei Ayanami was about to smile.  But then her hand did something it wasn't supposed to: it went through Shinji.  Gasping slightly, Rei recoiled, and the hand came back out.  Shinji looked down and saw nothing changed except for Rei.  First, her arm; then her body; then her face began to disappear.  Patches of remaining visibility wafted over all of her, and in a quickly fading voice, Rei spoke her last.

          "Shinji...I'm so sorry..."

And then she was gone, along with the rest of Shinji's perfect world.  The snow-covered grass gave way to carpet, the skies turned to white paint, and all that was left was one room, one person, and one scream of torment at seeing it all taken away.__

_Closing your eyes to disappear_

_You pray your dreams will leave you here_

_But still you wake and know the truth_

_No one's there_

Shinji fell on his back, unable to move, too deep in despair even to cry.  If he had looked at the clock, he would have seen it telling him that it wasn't even past eleven yet, that he had another seven or eight hours to go of lying and waiting and hating life before he had to rise and face it again.  But he didn't look.  All he did was stare at the all-too-familiar ceiling and wish that it would fall and crush him, or that by some stroke of luck he'd drop dead for no reason at all.  But he had no such luck.

As he lay there, another entity watched him.  An intangible, invisible angel of the sea, her soul staying with him long after her body had left.  She watched, and she waited, and she wished that she could help him somehow.  All she could do was pray that he somehow survive.

_Say goodnight_

_Don't be afraid_

_Calling me, calling me_

_As you fade to black_

Shinji had other plans.  Without blinking, barely breathing, he rose from the bed and silently walked out of his room, out of his apartment, and out of his building.  Rei watched him as he trudged through the streets, half-asleep, towards her old apartment.  She was still joined with him somehow.  She knew he would go there.  And she knew exactly what he would do.

Rei closed her eyes.  When she opened them again, she was in NERV, deep underground.  An eerie orange glow emanated from a semicircular tank full of LCL...and something else.  Stepping through the glass walls, Rei looked inside.  Another Rei looked back.

It blinked.  Rei blinked.  It reached for her.  Rei reached out and touched its expressionless face.  A flash of light caused Rei to blink again, and when her eyes opened this time, she felt real eyes.  She hesitantly touched the glass edge of the tank...and felt it, too.  With unusual strength, Rei brought back her arm and plunged it through.  Orange fluid burst out of the hole, pulling more and more glass with it.  Rei stepped through and on to solid ground.

_(Holding my last breath_

_Safe inside myself_

_Are all my thoughts of you_

_Sweet raptured light_

_It ends here tonight_

_Holding my last breath)_

And as Shinji prepared to take his last breath, Rei took her first and began the run home.


	11. Whisper

Chapter Eleven: Whisper

            It was dark.  The full moon hid itself behind the clouds above as Shinji concealed himself in the darkness below.  Moving through shadows that threw themselves into his path, he trudged silently forward.  His face, emotionless, showed only the grim determination of the task at hand, the task that he knew would be his last.  And to that end would he go.

            No doubt was left in his mind, for what good would it do?  His heart was shattered, his soul plunged into a darkness no night could match.  Nothing was left.  No reason to live, no reason to care.  No reason to stop.  No one mattered anymore; what could they do?  Neither Asuka, nor Misato, nor his classmates could do anything.  They didn't care.  They didn't know.  They never would, until the end.  And unto that conclusion he marched on.

            Black was the night, but blacker still was the shadow cast by her apartment.  No...it was no longer hers.  Now it was just an empty shell, devoid of any substance or emotion, a specter of its former self.  And into it walked the lesser of the two specters, the one that would empty himself to fill the other and stain the twilight red before the night was through.

_Catch me, as I fall_

_Say you're here and it's all over now_

_Speaking to the atmosphere_

_No one's here and I fall into myself_

_This truth drives me_

_Into madness_

_I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away_

_If I will it all away_

            The moon reflected crimson in her eyes.  Those eyes had seen much since their rebirth: an exodus from her original home, deep in Terminal Dogma; the disbelieving noiseless stares of a dozen NERV technicians; the complex system of elevators and stairs; and finally this, the shining moon, expanding horizontally through the widening gap of the last doors sliding open.

            The freshness of the air made her stop for a moment to smell what reality was like.  For an eternity she had waited in that nothingness, and then there was the metallic stench of NERV.  This was...nice.  Then, remembering the purpose for her exit, the First Child winced at her momentary lack of focus and broke out into a rare sprint.  Her target was the same as his, though it was for a completely different purpose that she ran there.  _Please, Shinji..._ she thought, _don't let me be too late._

            Turning a corner, it came into view: her former home, just a few hundred yards away.  _No...not a 'former' home, my home.  Our home.  Now and forever, if I can't arrive there soon.  As she glanced up at the moon and saw its skeletal visage, she hoped her looming sense of inevitability was just a figment of her budding imagination._

            She ran on.

_Don't turn away (Don't give into the pain)_

_Don't try to hide __(Though they're screaming your name)_

_Don't close your eyes __(God knows what lies behind)_

_Don't turn out the lights __(Never sleep, never die)_

            There were too many stairs.  Having neither the presence of mind or the motivation, Shinji hadn't counted them, but it seemed like far too much trouble to go to for dying.  He wondered why he had come here, since it didn't have any more meaning.  Rei was gone, and she wasn't coming back.  This isn't her home, he reminded himself.  But it was to him.  This was the temple of his memories, built within his mind for the angel of the sea.  And tonight would be made her human sacrifice.

            A fitting tribute, he thought, for someone like her.  She was perfect in every way.  If this is the only way to join her, I'll gladly do it.  But then again, there's probably nothing on the other side...still, it would be better this way, to never again spend time in agony, to be at peace. _ To be resting in peace._  A chill ran through his body as the three sacred numbers appeared: 402, her apartment.  The inner sanctum.  The door handle, unlocked, turned with a muffled screech.  And into the darkness he entered.

_I'm frightened by what I see_

_But somehow I know_

_That there's much more to come_

_Immobilized by my fear_

_And soon to be blinded by tears_

_I can stop the pain if I will it all away_

_If I will it all away_

            The white soles of her feet, covered by the tightly fitting plug suit she had borrowed from NERV, hammered at the ground.  Wind rushed through her hair by no force other than her own speed.  Apartments and stores whizzed by in a blur, lost in her voluntary tunnel vision; so intense was her focus that all she saw was the target before her.  She closed in on it quickly, and soon the door to the bare lobby was behind her.

            She looked at the stairs and somehow knew that he had been here recently.  Her throat constricted, choking back a shudder of fear that seemed to signal an attempt's failure.  Fighting the horror welling from within, she began the ascent.  

_D__on't turn away (Don't give into the pain)_

_Don't try to hide (Though they're screaming your name)_

_Don't close your eyes (God knows what lies behind)_

_Don't turn out the lights (Never sleep, never die)_

            _It's cold in here._

            The door closed behind him.  The apartment was exactly as he remembered it: bare, blank, just another empty shell.  And cold...so cold.  No great surprise that she always seemed to be frozen, then, if this was her home.  Passing through the small entryway, Shinji looked around at the main room.  There was her only window, there, her table.  And there, her bed...  In its presence Shinji felt an inexplicable sense of unworthiness to be in the resting place of his goddess, as if he was committing sacrilege by his mere presence.

            Another memory triggered, and he turned to see the doorway he had missed.  The last one she ever went through.  Another shiver ran down his spine.  He didn't want to go in there.  But he had to.  He was drawn to it by some unseen force..._Fate, perhaps.  Or Death._

            The door opened.  Shinji's hand slid off the handle and dropped to his side.  There it was.  The basin of water, still crimson around the edges, rusted faucet overhead.  The knife still by its side.

            He knelt down to pick it up and cradled it reverently.  His face set once again in a hollow mask of torment, Shinji walked slowly to her bed and fell onto the end facing the window, with the grace of another angel slain.

            His hand began to tremble as he raised the blade high.

_Fallen angels at my feet_

_Whispered voices at my ear_

_Death before my eyes_

_Lying next to me I fear_

_She beckons me, shall I give in_

_Upon my end, shall I begin_

_Forsaking all I've fallen for_

_I rise to meet the end..._

            _"Shinji!!"_

            The door burst open and slammed into the wall behind it, knocking to the floor a few loose chunks of concrete.  They hit well after Rei had flown by.

            Her cries continued to ring out until she bounded into her own room and saw the object of her search lying still on her bed, unmoving.  Beside him lay a blood-coated knife.

            Immediately she was holding him.  Tears ran down her soft cheeks and pooled on Shinji's pale face.  His eyes remained closed and shed none.

            Rei threw her head back and released her pain.  Screaming again and again, she denied his death.  But it was there, unavoidable.  Unforgettable.  After all her efforts, after all the pain and all the suffering, she couldn't save him.  He was gone.  Clutching his body close to her, she could feel the last heat go out of it.  And the room was cold once again.

            "Shinji..." she sobbed.  "Shinji...no..."

            And then she felt an arm encircle her and draw her closer.

            Rei's eyes widened.  A short gasp escaped her lips before they met with his; once they had been here in a dream, but now they saw face to face the reality they had chosen.  The tear-framed crimson eyes slowly closed, surrendering to the moment.  She returned the kiss readily, letting spill into him all the hopes and dreams she had ever had, all the wish that someday this could be real.  At last it was.

            A thousand thoughts and emotions swirled through their connected mind as Rei's dissipating tears ran down his face.  Her breath mingled with Shinji's, filling the gaps and voids deep in their entwined soul.  At last their touch broke, and brushing away her last tear of sorrow Rei opened her eyes.  "Shinji..." she whispered.  "How?"

            He picked up the knife, running one finger along the flat of the blade; it came off clean.  "It's not my blood."

            "But...how did you know?"

            "That you would come?" he asked.  Rei nodded.  Shinji smiled warmly and said, "I just...I knew that you'd be here.  I could feel you with me."

            The expression of shocked confusion faded from her face and gave way to one of unbridled joy as Rei reached out to wrap her arms around her beloved.             Holding him tightly to her she looked down over his shoulder and listened to Shinji's heart beating steadily.  And she smiled.


End file.
